It is becoming more and more difficult for couples to leave the relationships they have built for several years in the name of a separation or divorce and they are now finding a” other ways” to deal with none functional marriages by turning towards infidelity as a way to keep their marriages but not be in the marriage. This transformation in the way of family life does not only point to the man as the infidel but the woman as well. Couples are holding on to what marriages could offer like legitimate kids, a house bought together or just being introduced as Mr./Mrs. and outsourcing the rest of their emotions where they feel much more appreciated and perhaps, loved.

Having discussions with different couples  lately, almost all of them admitted to infidelity. It was shocking because they all seem happily married with beautiful homes and kids.

• Evy, spoke at length about the on and off she has been having with her husbands’ best friend for years. “we can’t seem to call it off” she said. “I love him more than my husband”
• One other lady, Sandrine, spoke about the affairs she has with different men from dating sites mostly out of town whenever she is on a business trip. She mentioned she can not spend the night alone and always looks for a fling, weeks of even months before she goes on a trip out of town. “That way I have some kind of relationship before I get there”, she said.
• Francine, on the other hand, referred to her marriage as some form of family business, with everyone having independent roles to play, With no room for fun or errors. No intimacy, no passion for each other but just making sure everyone is accounted for at the end of each day and the bills are paid. Francine said, she has a relationship with another married man, who feels trapped in his marriage as well.
•  “I have final year students at the university” says Janet. They make me feel young and I don’t have to bother my husband about my urges. They are readily available and I can control them as much as I want with money.

The men were equally eager to talk about their own reasons for cheating. it was an amazing chat i had with them. Just a few of their points:

• Some said they are cheating because they hang out with friends who do. They have a sense of belonging when they do what their peers do. In Mr. Fred’s own words, “I don’t want to feel left out”
• Another man stated they cheat because women are readily available. This particular guy gave me goose bumps. He explained he goes to dating sites just to find the so-called low self esteemed ladies online, flirt with them, tell them what they want to hear and once he’s done with them, he leaves them hanging, runs back to his wife at home and the circle continues.

Some men cheat because they are from polygamous homes, mostly in less developed countries, where a man is allowed to marry as many wives as he deems fit.

When such men find themselves in the western world where polygamy is prohibited, they tend to sneak around and have other women around as that’s the best they know on how a family setting should be.

• Some other men pointed they find peace out of their marital homes. One of them was blunt enough to tell he has 2 kids out of his matrimonial home and that is where his love is. His legal wife, Ludvine, has 3kids for him but he is in the marriage just so his kids can mature enough to understand some life aspects and he will move on with the other woman Nadege. He didn’t refer to this affair of his as cheating. He repeated severally “Nadege is more of a life saver when my so-called wife was draining life out of me”. He went on to add, “I love Nadege with all my heart and nothing can ever change that”. When questioned about infidelity, he was quick to point out his marriage to his legal wife is on paper not in effect.

All I kept hearing during all these different chats, were men and women whose sexual, emotional, psychological and physical needs were not met by their spouses inside the marriage and has pushed them all out to find in the arms of others.